At peace with himself

Marcus Trescothick, whose international career was cut short by depression, now looks a contented man. “I’m the happiest that I can be,” he says in a chat with David Hopps.

As Marcus Trescothick gazed upon his beloved Taunton, he did not resemble a man whose life is as good as over. He looked content, fulfilled and at the very least like he has negotiated a truce with the depressive illness that has ended his England career. Given a fair wind, he anticipates that he might play for Somerset until he is 40 — and still have ample time to smell the roses and hug the kids.

Yet while he continues his process of rediscovery and seeks total release from the guilt and anxiety attacks that ultimately made his life as an England cricketer untenable, sporting life moves on. He has achieved, been celebrated and spat out. Once his autobiography (Coming Back To Me) has been digested, that basically will be that.

Trescothick’s physical illness should be self-explanatory. A cricketer on the international treadmill, recognised for his sensitivity and conscientiousness, is overpowered by the conflicting demands of incessant England touring and love for his absent family: his wife, Hayley, suffering from post-natal depression and wanting him home, a father-in-law who was seriously injured in a DIY accident, and a baby who failed to recognise him after his return from a long tour. With such stress came exhaustion, anxiety attacks and depression. He could soak up no more. He was a victim of burn-out.

We register this and yet all that we wonder about is whether he will play for England again. We yearn for more of Trescothick, the genial, gentle bully of countless attacks. Don’t bother us with the personal trauma of the fallible human, unless it is scandalous gossip — and there has been a sickening amount of that.

As if providing proof that cricket does not want to listen, on the very day that Trescothick’s autobiography was launched, the International Cricket Council was beset by more unsustainable scheduling as India undermined the rescheduled Champions Trophy itinerary for October 2009 with grandiose plans of its own. Greed — of players and administrators — silently eats away at the health of the game and those who play it.

There will be more victims. Trescothick has seen the signs. “Everyone on an England tour leaving their family is in the same boat. I have seen other players who find the first few days really tough, some worse than me for a few days, but then they get into the routine of being away, forget about the home life and flick a switch to switch into professional mode. You have to do that otherwise you go nuts — like I did.”

Mental health charities could find lasting benefit from his courage in exploring the physical illness that neither he, nor those around him, understood. He has rid himself of feelings of shame. Now he also talks of personal release.

“I have had it so cluttered up in my own mind, the whole two years, that seeing it in words helps. It was harrowing reading it (his autobiography) back, but I can now understand what was going on and rationalise it a bit more. The illness took control and I didn’t know what to do. It gives me a reason — not an excuse — for the things that I did.”

But do not tell him that now England have stopped calling he is unfulfilled.

“I’ve loved this summer,” he said. “I’ve not noticed the rain. Today I’m about to leave Taunton and in five minutes I can be home, playing with the kids.

“I’m the happiest that I can be. I will be led on to a beanbag in the playroom to watch Pepper Pig, or Dora the Explorer, something like that. Ellie is 3½ and she is getting massively into horses. Any horse that comes on the TV causes sheer excitement.”

His biggest error was to surrender to England’s entreaties, led by the captain Michael Vaughan, to bow to his professional obligations to remain on the 2005 tour of Pakistan, with his father-in-law seriously ill in hospital and his wife pleading for him to come home. When he landed at Birmingham airport Ellie, less than a year old, did not recognise him. It was a jolt that many absentee parents will recognise.

“It is the worst thing in the world. The most precious thing to you in your life looks at you as somebody she has never met before. I felt ashamed and I felt like I had let them down by staying away and going on tour. How can you do that to somebody? I cannot do that any more. You couldn’t pay me enough money to say that I am going on tour tomorrow and have to go through the process of saying goodbye to the kids.

“It is about being away from the people behind closed doors who make me feel comfortable. I don’t want to let my life be dictated by what I can and cannot do. I have to do my job after playing cricket and if it means that I have to travel abroad I would like to think that I can still do it. But if it’s not a barrier that I can overcome, so be it.

“You can’t deny the celebrity stuff is good fun. During the book launch, everyone was paying me compliments and saying they wanted me back for England. That’s the buzz you always get. You feel special for a day. Even now, I got a big score on TV the other week and that sort of thing has always driven me on — to make that big score when people are watching all round the world. Now I’ve had to reassess my goals in county cricket, to maintain the drive to keep showing people why I was good; when I played for England what made me different.”

Trescothick’s love for children also involves him with Children’s Hospice South West through his benefit trust, and he would like to become more involved to help them build a home in Cornwall. Perhaps he will take to marathon walks, as another son of the Cider county, Ian Botham, has famously done for leukaemia research?

“Beefy is down here soon on another one,” he said, “but I’m not sure I’m going to jump on the back of his exploits. I walked with Beefy in Bristol a couple of years ago and I’d rather run than walk that fast. It’s unnatural.”

For the moment, though, he has much to enjoy. Taunton’s intimate ground sustains him in the way that Graeme Hick found peace at Worcester. The spectators are supportive, the pitches like Karachi by midsummer, the boundaries invitingly short. Time for many more slog-sweeps?

“Lots,” he said, “but I’m using my feet more this summer and hitting straighter — I’ve no idea why.”

He concludes: “I’d love to think that maybe I’ll finish cricket at 40, say, and then I can be on the golf course as much as I can, chill out and relax, a few beers with the lads and go home again. I was playing golf over at Saltford in Bristol for my benefit and on one of the holes on the back nine you can stand on the tee and one way you can look over the hills and the villages towards Bath and the other way look right over Bristol. It’s spectacular. You think to yourself, ‘the teeing-off can wait a minute’.”

* * *The public acclaim and private agonyHIGHS

1995: Made captain of England Under-19 team. Only John Crawley has ever made more runs for the junior side.

1999: Right place, right time. Aged 23, he hits 167 on a quick pitch at Taunton - no one else passes 50. His opponents are Glamorgan, whose coach, Duncan Fletcher, is impressed.

2000: The breakthrough. Fletcher, now England coach, calls him up as one-day injury cover. Pummels 79 against Zimbabwe, thrives on Test debut against the West Indies and is never again left out.

2003: Highest Test score - a series-levelling double-hundred against South Africa.

2005: Reaches No. 6 in world rankings. Vital 90 at Edgbaston kick-starts Ashes comeback, followed by 193 in Pakistan.

Summer 2008: Happy at home, he averages 56 as Somerset push for a first Championship.

LOWS

Late 1990s: A talented but tubby batsman - nicknamed `Banger' after his favourite food - does not make the runs Somerset expected.

2002-03: Hounded by the press on a horrendous Ashes tour. Critics say his lack of foot movement has been found out.

2006: His first major breakdown. Flees India while captaining England. Later admits he "didn't have a clue what was taking place". Flies home in tears.

Late 2006: Fails to complete England's defence of the Ashes in Australia. Rings his mother in the middle of the night to tell her, "I can't do this anymore", before flying home.

Early 2008: A final attempt to tour overseas - this time to Dubai with Somerset - ends with Trescothick sobbing in the corner of Dixons at Heathrow. Announces his international retirement.