This pitch is what the old guys in the 1930s used to call a featherbed. The Aussies knew them as shirt fronts — i.e. perfectly ironed, immaculate in both conception and appearance and without mercy for those damned to bowl on its unvarying surface. Ted Corbett reports.
I saw the villain as I waited outside the Grace Gates at the end of the Lord’s Test.
You would never have thought a man with such a broad open face could cause so much misery to so many people. There he was, striding out in the evening sunshine alongside his wife and, I imagined, going for the week’s shopping, or maybe taking he r for a cup of coffee or to have a chat over a glass of beer.
He was wearing a pair of shorts and an open necked top, pretty much like anyone else in the crowd. No one in the big crowd milling round the gate, waiting to spot the stars and grab an autograph or the chance of a photograph, seemed to realise who was in their midst.
It was such a normal, everyday scene, yet this man was responsible for all the troubles that were sending thousands home seething with frustration when, if he had had a little compassion, they might have been singing.
He was, if you have not guessed already, Mick Hunt, the Lord’s groundsman who had just done what all the MCC employees do. He had worked hard and produced the perfect pitch. If you happen to be a batsman, that is.
If you are a bowler, or a spectator — and, if you are a journalist sitting high above the proceedings during the first Test between England and South Africa and wondering what to write about after such an arid and miserable day’s play — it was not possible to feel anything but a sense of annoyance.
He has no excuse; I wonder if he has a reason. This pitch is what the old guys in the 1930s used to call a featherbed. The Aussies knew them as shirt fronts — i.e. perfectly ironed, immaculate in both conception and appearance and without mercy for those damned to bowl on its unvarying surface. What is more he has been responsible for these drawn matches before. England collapsed in their second innings against Australia at Lord’s in 2005 and lost by an innings and since then there have been six drawn games, two every summer.
In an era when few Tests are drawn — because batsmen score at four runs an over, because there are so many world class bowlers, because fielding is at the highest standard in history — I suppose it is possible to argue that a draw is part of cricket and that it is enjoyable to see one every so often.
Tell that to the crowd who had seen only three wickets fall in two days, who had done their best to encourage England to take wickets whenever a South African had shown any signs of weakness, who desperately wanted action.
Instead all they found were a minimum number of runs, three centuries and a total of 393 in 167 overs. Purgatory.
Don’t blame England. You can say if you wish that someone with the joie do vivre of Andrew Flintoff, or the cunning and persistence of Shane Warne, or the mysterious ways of Muttiah Muralitharan might have whittled away the wickets. How many of these bowlers appear in the lifetime?
Especially against the South Africans who have been brought up to believe the world is against them, that they must fight their corner and that drawing the wagons into a circle is a natural state of affairs.
But when someone who is as good as Monty Panesar cannot take a wicket in 60 overs — after he has taken four for 74 in the first innings — proves there is something wrong.
Perfect pitch is a vital asset for an orchestral conductor or a soprano but not for the game of Test cricket.
Graeme Smith won the toss and asked England to bat. “He’s done what?” rang round the ground. He was — like Mohammad Azharuddin in 1990 — just wrong.
His mistake was compounded by the wretched bowling of his fast men. Morne Morkel was said to be “scared stiff” by the very thought of appearing at Lord’s, Dale Steyn had never been on the ground before and yet big, strong, quick Makhaya Ntini, who has done everything, soaked up the experience and taken more wickets for South Africa than anyone save Pollock — watching from the TV gantry, staying at the hotel down the road if anyone wanted a word of advice — bowled just as badly.
England took advantage. Andrew Strauss, unworried by the knowledge that his second baby was due and that he might get a phone call any minute to tell him it was on the way, settled in for — as the players still have it all those years after Ken Barrington first laid it down as a maxim — bed and breakfast.
Alastair Cook followed suit. Michael Vaughan got out early to a super ball from Steyn but Kevin Pietersen, fired up by the remarks made about him from the other side and Ian Bell, at his best, made big hundreds. When Bell was out on 199 — unprecedented for a batsman in this country — Vaughan declared at 593 for eight and 93 overs of struggle later he was asking South Africa to follow on.
Bell’s innings — a week after he had made a double hundred for Warwickshire — was the best of his life. It brought him the Man of the Match award and pushed him a place up the world rankings and increased his value in my — strictly unofficial — ratings.
I have not always been a fan, I used to think of him as being as bold, bristling and wishing to dominate as Keith Fletcher who, in the mid-1970s was close to timid for all he was highly-talented. Not frightened. Just wary as if he worried that Dennis Lillee and company were armed with revolvers as well as a shiny red ball.
Bell has taken a big stride forward against that trio of South African fast bowlers and he may become the batsman around whom the England side make massive totals in the future. I will not describe the Pietersen innings; I did that last week in the Cover Story. I will say that he is a good cricketer, with tiny faults. To his credit he plays cricket as a team game, he is supportive of his partner, he is the first to congratulate a mate on an achievement and heaven alone knows how many centuries he will make.
Nor do I need to rave about Panesar’s bowling. Some of it was of a very high standard indeed but I have no doubt his thoughts as he left the ground were of the villain who made his second innings performance so ineffective.
It is a good job he did not see Mr. and Mrs. Hunt in the middle of the road, far from a zebra crossing or he might have been tempted... but no. These are civilised men playing a game and only in the most secret parts of their minds do they wish opponents, umpires and groundsmen ill.
It would be understandable if they do, however.
THE SCORESFirst Test, England v South Africa, Lord’s, July 10-14. Match drawn.
England — 1st innings: A. Strauss lbw b Morkel 44; A. Cook c De Villiers b Morkel 60; M. Vaughan b Steyn 2; K. Pietersen c Boucher b Morkel 152; I. Bell c & b Harris 199; P. Collingwood c Amla b Harris 7; T. Ambrose c Smith b Morkel 4; S. Broad b Harris 76; R. Sidebottom (not out) 1; Extras (b-14, lb-12, w-7, nb-15) 48. Total (for eight wkts., decl.) 593.
Fall of wickets: 1-114, 2-117, 3-117, 4-403, 5-413, 6-422, 7-574, 8-593.
South Africa bowling: Steyn 35-8-117-1; Ntini 29-2-130-0; Morkel 34-3-121-4; Kallis 20-3-70-0; Harris 38.2-8-129-3.
South Africa — 1st innings: G. Smith c Bell b Anderson 8; N. McKenzie b Panesar 40; H. Amla c Ambrose b Broad 6; J. Kallis c Strauss b Sidebottom 7; A. Prince c Ambrose b Sidebottom 101; A. De Villiers c Anderson b Panesar 42; M. Boucher b Broad 4; M. Morkel b Panesar 6; P. Harris c Anderson b Panesar 6; D. Steyn c Sidebottom b Pietersen 19; M. Ntini (not out) 0; Extras (b-1, lb-4, w-3) 8. Total: 247.
Fall of wickets: 1-13, 2-28, 3-47, 4-83, 5-161, 6-166, 7-191, 8-203, 9-245.
England bowling: Sidebottom 19-3-41-2; Anderson 21-7-36-1; Broad 23-3-88-2; Panesar 26-4-74-4; Collingwood 4-1-3-0; Pietersen 0.3-0-0-1.
South Africa — 2nd innings: G. Smith c Pietersen b Anderson 107; N. McKenzie c Ambrose b Anderson 138; H. Amla (not out) 104; J. Kallis b Sidebottom 13; A. Prince (not out) 9; Extras (b-8, lb-8, w-5, nb-1) 22. Total (for three wkts., decl.) 393.
Fall of wickets: 1-204, 2-329, 3-357.England bowling: Panesar 60-15-116-0; Pietersen 7-1-21-0; Sidebottom 30-9-46-1; Anderson 32-7-78-2; Broad 26-7-78-0; Collingwood 11-4-37-0; Cook 1-0-1-0.
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